It’s been nearly two months to the day since I’ve last posted on this blog. At first, I felt guilty not writing anything. Maybe guilty isn’t the right word. I felt like I was letting myself down. Here I was again giving up on something, a normal pattern with me. Get interested in something, dive into it for a little while (the timing varies, sometimes it lasts a week or two, sometimes a couple of months, or even years with the blog), and then just give up and stop doing it. Why do I continue to stop? What makes me give up and just walk away from all of these activities and plans? In a word, EGO.
I’ve come to realize that those three little letters have had a strong hold on me for most of my life. I keep giving in because my EGO gets in the way and makes me doubt myself, my abilities, my talents, my potential. “If you don’t try, then you can’t fail!” Sound familiar?
My EGO has learned many a trick in order to get me to bend to its will. The biggest weapon in the arsenal is probably Imposter Syndrome. You know this one – it’s when you’re thinking about doing something, or even in the middle of doing it, when that little voice inside your head starts going: “Who do you think you are to do that? Why would anyone want to read something you wrote (or whatever the activity is)? You don’t have the skill/knowledge/training to do that.” And that’s all it takes. Then the doubt creeps in and cracks the foundation. Soon, the rainstorm is upon you and the basement is starting to flood through all those cracks.
I’ve recently restarted a self-development program called Reset. I’m on week 4 of 16, but I’m already seeing the effects. I’m not learning anything I don’t already know; in fact, this is now the fourth time I’m doing the program. Sometimes you just need to experience the fall so you can enjoy the climb back up. My mentor often uses a Swahili phrase when leading our program. “Polé Polé” (pronounced po-lay, po-lay). It translates to “slowly, slowly”. He usually uses it in the sense of “one step at a time”. That’s what I need to be doing now.
I have struggled with writing blog posts over the last year. The topics weren’t coming to me, and when I did have them, I found myself to be stymied, challenged to find the right words, or to say anything that my dear EGO deemed as worthy of being read. I was trying too hard. During this past year, this year of challenges, of hardships, of isolation and fear, I felt it was my duty to share hope with the world, even if my readership was largely limited to family and a couple of friends. My mission is to be the Light. If I’m not writing something profound and moving, how can I share my light?!
I’ve come to understand that I just need to be me. Trust that my message is reaching whomever it needs to reach at that time. If something I say, do, or write can put a smile on one person’s face, or help one person even if just for a fleeting moment, then it’s worth it. I have a bunch of partly-written posts and/or ideas for posts that I’ve jotted down over the past year. I will endeavor to continue putting Light out there via my words. I may not do it on a strict schedule. I may not do it elegantly. Hell, I may even just take a couple of months off again at some point. But that’s okay too.
Pole pole, Chris.